How's this for an introductory paragraph?

Have video games become too violent for the young video game audience? Should these explicit games be allowed for purchase at all? What are these games teaching our children? Some think that the bloody and gory effects in video games add amusement and excitement to the game. Bloody games aren’t influential to younger people, or are they? Parents should not purchase violent, inappropriate video games for their children because of the detailed gory graphics exhibited and the horrible messages they engrave in children’s minds.





the essay is called: Bloody Games: Staining the Minds of Children

How's this for an introductory paragraph?
It sounds great, and its a good controversial topic.


but i feel like the question in the middle "Bloody games aren’t influential to younger people, or are they?" kinda throws off the flow of the paragraph, i would suggest to reword it.


good luck with ur essay!
Reply:It seems that you are against children playing bloody video games. If this is a persuasive paper, I would suggest taking out this question or perhaps restating it: "Bloody games aren't influential to younger people, or are they?" If you are against young kids playing these games, then you don't want to state this as though it is your opinion. Say that many or others feel that bloody games aren't influential, but don't write it as though you are saying it. Your argument has to be strong enough so that no one can tear it down. Everything else sounds good. Hope this helps. By the way, I love your title!
Reply:This looks like college work. Good job.


A couple observations...


It isn't always best to ask too many questions in your academic paper. For example:





This paper will explore violence in video games. Particular reference will be made to 1.


2.


Some recommendations will be made as to whether these games are appropriate or not, using research by_Hussein___and the pope___which shows a definite link between six million dead and a video game called tetras.


If you tone your introduction down a little it won't look so much like a sensationalist newspaper trying to hawk a product.


Your basic ideas are very sound, there should be plenty of available references, and there is interest in the topic these days.


Just a suggestion, use what you want and good luck! You have the foundation for a very fine paper there.
Reply:it's great! great thesis!
Reply:It is fine, I teach first grade and I like it.
Reply:I think there are too many questions. I would reword them as statements and keep your first question as the only one. Rework the rest into statements that fall behind that first one as a focus. In your body you can use the questions again as you make your points. I think the last sentence is a powerful conclusion, but you can state it in your introduction as well. What you have is strength in your resolve about the issue, now rework those questions so that your essay has punch. Good luck. I wish I could see your final draft.

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